Down Under
Posted January 24, 2007, 9:33 AM ET

Damn, Serena....lay off the Little Debbie Snack Cakes.

Have you seen highlights of the Australian Open lately? If not, you better stay up late and check out the action from Melbourne. I've got to tell you, I really enjoy watching women's tennis....Sharapova is always entertaining, but Serena Williams is out of this world.

I've never seen an athlete compete at such a high level while being so completely out of shape. And when I use the word "shape", I mean conditioning. Her booty is all shape, in fact, I thought I saw a wallaby back there. I can barely concentrate on the play on the court without being mesmerized by the size of the junk in her trunk. The fact that she can play this well and compete on the ultimate level while being so heavy is remarkable and a testament to her incredible skills.

I kidded around on my radio show that I think she is pulling a "Michael Vick". I contend that her ass isn't real, it is actually a secret container for other stuff that she might need during the course of the day...kind of like Vick's magic water bottle. Rae Carruth has a better chance of hiding in Serena's compartment than he would in the back of that Toyota Camry.

I hope Serena wins the Australian Open. She can develop a new training method for all potential players....can you magine the endorsement deals that will be lining up for her if she captures the Grand Slam title in Australia? She can become as big as Oprah....literally.

The NASCAR Media Circus is making the rounds this week, and already we've got some great material to work with for 2007. The Daytona suits have tweaked the system for the Chase for the Cup. I like the premise, but I think they got carried away by adding drivers to the Chase. The total moves from ten to twelve drivers that will qualify....that's a mistake. Adding more doesn't make it better....just like in college football, adding bowl games doesn't make the product better. It actually dilutes the quality and makes it worse.

I do think NASCAR is right in adding incentives for winning races. I just wish that they had put a bigger emphasis on winning the race. This is true for not only NASCAR, but also the PGA Tour. Too many drivers (and golfers) strive to finish in the Top 10, collect a check and points and cruise to a comfortable living. I want to see the best in the world go after each other down the stretch....NASCAR is on the right track, they just need to tweak the system.

I also got a kick out of Kevin Harvick's comments about Teresa Earnhardt. Harvick is an outspoken guy, and he sometimes gets in trouble for speaking his mind....this is no exception. He called Teresa Earnhardt a "deadbeat owner". I'm sure that went over well at DEI....Dale, Jr. came to her defense, which was remarkable, too. Junior and Teresa are in a heated negotiation about the future of the company. The fact that there are already sparks flying a month before the Daytona 500 is a good thing for the sport.

Bill Parcells has stepped down from Big D. It's a big story on many fronts, and it will be interesting to see what the self-absorbed Jerry Jones does to fill the void left by the Big Tuna. There aren't many star attractions available to the Cowboys right now, and you know that Jones is willing to write a big check to pry away a big-time name to coach his team. The news of Parcells' departure is a perfect way to kill a dead week before the Super Bowl XLI hype begins in full force next week.

Speaking of the Super Bowl, there are some great storylines for the showdown in Miami. I'm sure the Lovie Smith - Tony Dungy angle will be beaten to death....and the same goes for Peyton Manning making it to the big game, too. I'm just happy that New England is home and out of the mix. I'm tired of the coach, his sweatshirt and his sourpuss personality....I don't think I could stand another week of wanting to poke my eyes out with him on the screen.

The Carolina Panthers hired some guy by the name of Jeff Davidson to be the new offensive coordinator. Jeff's first order of business is to master the art of calling a draw play on third and long. If Panthers fans think this guy is going to be different from Dan Henning, then I have a feeling that they will be in for a rude awakening. John Fox wants to play his style of football...and that means conservative play-calling. For the record: Davidson arrives from that offensive machine, the Cleveland Browns. Yawn.

In ACC basketball, there is only one question to ask....who is going to finish 2nd? The Heels are on a different level than everybody else. I know they lost to Virginia Tech, but nobody this side of Blacksburg really believes the Hokies are better in the long term than UNC.

Duke has a big week; they host Clemson and BC at Cameron Indoor Stadium. By the way, I found out during a broadcast from the venerable old arena this past week on ESPN that - according to Duke apologist Bucky Waters - Cameron is a family-friendly place to watch a game. That might be the most ridiculous comment ever uttered during a basketball broadcast.

I love Cameron, but it is the last place on earth that I would take my family to watch a game. The filth that is chanted by Duke students during a basketball game can only be matched by the verbiage that spews from their head coach. It is a good thing that Bucky Waters has no rooting interest in the Blue Devils, to make a statement like the one he did on the ESPN telecast.

I'm done...only two weeks until National Signing Day in college football.....I've got to break down all of my 5-star recruits and my Top 20 classes. What a crock.